I Am

May 28, 2007

I am a woman discovering a path all my own.

I am trying to stay the course making decisions and seeking Wisdom.

I am a woman who has steel in my convictions and am asking courage to prevail.

I am a woman who believes in Love.

I am easily excited, easily distracted, and will walk away from myself again and again.

I am a woman courageous to acknowledge what doesn’t naturally fit just me-
Who will, in time, let go and let be what doesn’t fit be.

I am a woman who won’t live demanding, coercing, manipulating, or saying that I am entitled to any sort of explanation for any circumstance-
Of course curious and wanting it but not demanding it- I’d rather spend energy learning to trust and live within what comes and goes in this life.

I am a woman who makes great mistakes and sometimes ones that I’ve already made over and over.

I am a woman learning that I am the only person who can truly know if I am living the life I am meant to lead.

I am a woman who’s frantically tried to make life happen and somehow also remained a spectator allowing many externals to define my path, my life, and ultimately what could be my legacy without taking even a moment to evaluate what I really want.

I am a woman who is constantly growing and always changing.

I am a woman who deeply longs to make decisions that reflect what is important to me whether any other person ever understands or not.

I am a woman learning that it is very uncomfortable and often painful to realize that I’m misunderstood and that it really is okay- because it is most important that I can accept, believe, and live as me.

I am a woman who’s lived a scared life wondering when the next important thing was going to walk or be taken out of my life- leaving me extra attentive to what others may ask of me so that they’ll stay, leaving me hyper vigilant and hiding the me that I once believe too much for another to see.

My life is a journey with incredible seasons of coming and goings, of bends and even breaks, of events and circumstances both horrid and quite beautiful.
I am a woman who gets to choose who I am-what is a part of my life and not, what I want to take and leave from the past, present, and what could be in the future.

Importances evolve and free will allows for uncertainty.

I am a woman standing upright and thankful that the acceptance, the grace, and the love I am free to extend to myself cannot walk or be taken away unless I choose so- I am responsible for my own acceptance, for what I receive as Truth or not.

I am a woman of my own choosing with unimagined opportunity to forge a path I can call mine with a God who has never given up on me.

I am a woman who knows what I want, what I can be proud of, and who will choose to live on purpose- taking initiative where and how I can to accomplish my dreams.

I am a woman who is accepting that time exists, that I’ll ago, and eventually die leaving me to really appreciate being engaged in the present moments- alive and on my own adventure.

I am a woman enjoying the crunch of a reduced fat Wheat Thin seeing that the most empowering part about me is what I choose to believe about myself.

Not What I Once Thought

May 19, 2007

This Christianity isn’t what I once thought.
Acknowledging Christ on the cross for the sake of humanity-
Its tearing my soul wide open.
I didn’t know my life was going to be like this.
I didn’t know we could treat each other like we do.
I didn’t know that the salvation of my soul meant-
Seeing, meant accepting the realities of what we’re being saved from.
It hurts.
And there’s hope.

I can’t ask Christianity to change to fit me,
To make me comfortable,
To bend around what I once thought.
However,
I can be changed, become flexible,
Become light that bends, refracts, and stays light-
I can bleed, shine, glow, tear, sweat, toil, struggle, and change.
I can become more like the Love that is hope.

Atlas

May 19, 2007

I’m a mess
I’m carrying the weight of my world
Again.
I’m filling pain with desperation, with anything
My hands can get-
Because I’m almost certain,
I can’t touch You.

Speaking

 May 19, 2007

I’m tired of singing your song
I’m tired of living your life
I’m tired of playing your pawn
I’m tired of hiding my voice.

See regretfully I listened to
He, she, and their plan for me
And I lost or never found what
I might be.

Information and performance
Think, adapt, and be just like me-
Naïve, quiet, and unheard yet following-
Anyone speaking toward me.

This is what I do, what I choose
Because I’ve been afraid.
I have things to say
And it could change this world.

I will live.

May 18, 2007

I will lead a life of mystery and intrigue.
I will truely live and may my own decision, my own mistakes, and take my own responsibility.
I will experience the celebrations and woundings of humanity.
I will love hand and break hard.
I will bring experience to each moment.
I will live out my convictions.
I will puruse my dreams.

I will let muse move me and let moments take my hand and lead me into the middle of the floor and embrace me.
I will thrive and I will dance and I will sing with a voice all my own.

I will love, love, love and not get it right.
I will move on and I will forgive- first myself and pain I cause0
I will remember forgiveness or else I can’t move on.

I will continually let go.
I will live an organic life- one that isn’t forced or rushed.
I will discover and be discovered.

A New Definition

May 18, 2007

I judge my every move.
Where is my reference?
Do you see me?
This isn’t who I really am.
Do you see the tragedy, the suffering, the pain, the confusion?
There’s a battle waging in my soul-
My world is drastically different than what you’ve seen.
Who I dream to be is at war with whom I’ve been conditioned to be.
Do you understand?
Can you see?
Are you helping me?
Am I still misunderstood?

Who I really am wages war against hate, against fear, against destruction.
Who I really am holds life, gives life, and hates anything that tries to steal it.
WHo I really am is a woman desperate to let go of my previous definition,
to let go of the judgement I practice on myself.
Who I really am wants to remain present, wants to feel, wants to bring experience, wants to know that I can endure.
Who I really am isn’t defined by the past, the current circumstance, or those who pass through my life.
Who I really am is decided by me.

Now there is time and space for a new definition.

Thoughts While Nose Pickiing

May 18, 2007

I don’t believe you’re a God who always wants his people in a state of question, of confusion, of doubt, of panic, of ‘ is this where I am willed to live, be, do life?” I believe you’re a God who simply desires to be in relationship with your people- right in the present moment unconditional to circumstance. I believe you’re a God who trusts your people’s ability to make decisions because you’re the one who created even the process of thinking. I believe you’re a God who has already given your people everything that may be needed it’s just a matter of believing and living it out. I believe you’re a God who wants your people to just be themselves whatever, wherever, they choose. I believe you desire a confident people who know they are purposed beyond their ability to even choose. I believe that you are a God who deeply loves his people and simply longs to share the wonder of that love. I believe that you have created a natural order and that every choice we make has a consequence. I believe that you are exist within this order and that you are able to change circumstances. I also believe that being outside relationship with you holds its own consequences of now knowing hope and mercy in the midst of a chaotic and sufferig world.

On Discernment: Bangkok, Thailand 07

Jan 11, 2007

A call to responsibility, to critical thought, to knowing the motivations of the heart.

Are my choices to further myself or the hope of humanity? I desire not to live for myself. I choose to breathe for something much greater- for hope, for Perfect Love.

I want men everywhere to lift up holy hands, for you carry the nations with your strength- allow the Lord full access- may He teach you how you’re destined to practice in light of something greater than yourself. May you lift your hands in prayer without anger or disputing.

May you give yourselves up in submission to the Father. Women long to respect and submit to righteous men. Make women holy by cleasing them in prayer by the Word. May you set your minds on what the spirit desires.

My heart will ever be for you, men, that you would be set free by the Spirit of Life, that you would walk in your full potential.

Blessings from the Land of Smiles!

Unapologetically Me

 Dec 11, 2006

I feel like I need to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not having my life all figured out. Sorry for not sticking to a plan. I am first thinking I’m talking, asking permission of You Lord when you’ve already paved the way.

I’m not trying to reason and explain to You- You already know. I’m confronting humanity, I’m speaking to flesh and logic, to my own flesh, my own logic- to every thing that is telling me to stay silent, stay, stay obliged- I WILL NOT! I AM WHO I AM AND I WILL NOT BE ANY DIFFERENT!

I’m not like you so quit trying so hard to conform me. Quit comparing me. The truth is I don’t even want to be like you. I want to be like Jesus. So if you want to compare me- comper to Him. He is my measure, my portion- I am comparable to nothing else.

The truth is, there is no plan for my life and purposely so. If I plan it, God can’t dream His dreams for me. If I work it out, it’s not His. If there is a plan my Father will unveil it as He chooses.

I am simply available and the rest it up to Him. Maybe you want me to have a plan because you have one and the idea that life can be so fully lived without one scares you, confront you, challenges how life could be for you. Please don’t discourage me out of your own fear.

I just wanna live and I just want to share the discoveries I’m encountering and the overflow of life I’m breathing.

I’m not longer sorry. I’m hopeful. I am created to be none other than me, and truthfully, its a process and I’m certain I don’t know the way. Jesus, my potential, my preparation, the grace that stares back at me…. He does.

Intrepid Beauty: For Shell

Oct 20, 2006

Though there stand around you
Tens of thousands of angels-

You are forensic,
Panegyric,
Pedagogic.

This Beauty is ever ancient ever new.

You eruditely live,
Never spurious and,
Ever unequivocally,
Unambiguously,
Undoubtedly real.

This Beauty always renews however much is has been degraded
By outrageous
Failure or
Incapacity.

You are a teacher.
Embracing, extending, apprehending
Truth.

This Beauty is healing.

You have known
Seen
And
Touched.

This Beauty admits others into the presence of the Divine.

You can stand
Authentically,
In reality.
With wisdom.
As a guide.

This Beauty is You.

You are intrepid.

For I will ever recount this Beauty.